Some funny jokes to make you smile!!!!

First joke is:

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.... So u can guess wht happened!!! XD

Next is:
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"...hmm... nt funny enuff guys??? okay here is more...

this is about some smart nasty woman!!! hehe
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL." ... blondes ar... ^^

Next one is kinda lame...
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'." and guys btw quiche is a french type of food..a pastry wif some cheese toppings...

Lets have a go at this with our mum!!!
Dear mum,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.


Wish us luck
Katie

P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

Xx hehhehe.... nice o not? XD

I am very sorry if this joke is too dirty but still i cudnt resist!!! hehheeh
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"!!!!

lol... this is a sequel thinggy to it!!!
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army." !!!

This one is the one tht really made me ROFLMAO!!!
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

MORE little john jokes...
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
Okay this is too dirty so make sure u are atleast 15+ to continue reading this XD
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

Okay to end these jokes this is really very rude so please dont report... hahhaha
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

Okay guys....and gals... i hope any one of these jokes atleast made u smile!!!!
TIFN...
out!!!

Sad love story..

MAX.
I was in 8th grade when I met him. Well, I didn't actually meet him. But it was quite a funny introduction, he had just moved to my city from California. And it was towards the end of the year, my best friend and I were walking back to class from lunch and we were talking about the new kid we'd heard about all day when we turn the corner and there's this boy pretending to be a dinosaur. I don't know if you could even call it that, but he saying "Rawr, rawr, I'm a dinosaur." So one could only draw a few assumptions. And then it dawned on me that I didn't know who this kid was, and so it had to have been the new kid. It was kind of an awkward moment, the new guy meeting a couple girls in a weird and embarrassing way. But it didn't seem to phase him, he just looked at us and winked. That was just the way he was, it seemed like nothing ever phased him. I remember walking away laughing and my best friend saying something about him being weird. I remember looking back and watched him watch us walk away. I remember being embarrassed that he caught me looking back at him as he watched us. I asked her what his name was and she told me. Max.

So the year ends and I can't remember ever talking to him after that. But I don't really think about him, I've got other things on my mind. First year of high school, volleyball team, football boys, all that stuff. So the new year starts and I walk into art class and realize I don't know anybody. I scan the room and then I meet eyes with him. Max. It's one of those awkward moments when you don't really know anybody else in the class, and you meet eyes with someone you kinda remember only seeing a few times before. You know, acknowledging the fact that you guys both know each other, vaguely, but you have no choice but to become aquainted and quick bc you don't know anybody else really. I survey the rest of the room and walk toward him and his friend and ask him if I could sit with them. He says, yes and pulled the stool out. He reaches his hand out and waits for mine. I must've looked at him like he grew two heads bc he starts to laugh and says that he hadn't quite made the first impression he was going for when he first met me and would like to have another go at it. I stare at his hand for a little bit and then I shake it.

"I'm-" I start as his big hand encompasses mine.

"I know who you are," he finishes for me with an easy smile, that I would later miss.

The moment passes and we became friends. We sat by each other everyday after that, it was just the way it was. He became my best friend, he was there when I needed someone to talk to. Winter break came and went and when school started up again we ended up having majority of our classes together. I remember being anxious to hurry up and just get to the classes we had together. I remember people thinking that we were dating, but we just laughed it off. One time in class Max and I were talking and laughing, and then he left to get something, I think paint. His friend looked at me and leaned over and said "That boy is sprung on you." And I looked at him and laughed, and told him that was just not the way our relationship was and I didn't think anything of it after that.
Then the Winter Formal came around, and the whole night was a mess. My original date went out of town, my new date spilled punch down my dress and then I found him making out with another girl, just my luck. I remember being super pissed off that the night was a complete bust. So I walk into the gym and sat down on the benches, I look over and realize that I'm sitting next to Max's brother and I start talking to him. He was a couple years older than us, and I remember seeing him around, but never really engaging in conversation with him, but we kind of hit it off. I don't think much came after that, but some how I started talking to him more than Max. And soon enough we were dating. My friendship with Max kind of went AWOL, and soon we just stopped talking all together. I remember thinking that I was making a mistake, but Max never said anything to me. If anything he encouraged it.

I didn't put two and two together, I thought we would still be friends. Hell, I thought we would've been even better friends. How stupid could I have been? Max's brother was graduating that year. After he left I was constantly getting hit on since my boyfriend was out of high school. And so me and Max started talking again, and he sort of became my body guard. Nobody talked to me when he was around, and I was okay with that bc I had my best friend back and I didn't want to talk to anybody else except him. He made me a coat rack in metal shop for my birthday. When we talked, it was like we could talk about anything. And we did, we talked about the kind of girl he wanted to be with, we talked about my relationship with his brother, we talked about where we want to be, we talked about life and we talked about the future. If felt good to have him back in my life.

As time went on things with my boyfriend started getting difficult, I started having problems with my best friend and I turned to Max. And he was there for me. I started getting confused, I was bombarded with all these new feelings I felt like I never knew before. But somewhere deep down I knew that they were always there, I just never acknowledged them. I knew that Max had felt the same things for me, although neither of us pointed it out, I knew we both felt it. We were two people who had been put together, but couldn't be together due to moral principles. I felt torn, I loved my boyfriend but I felt like I loved Max too. Somehow, my boyfriend found out about Max and me and things just blew up from there. Some how I felt like a was being ran over by a freight train. I was only 16 and I felt like I had to choose between my best friend and my boyfriend. I felt like I had put myself in a rock and a hard place. Either way I would lose. Either way I would hurt. And I did not want to choose.

In the end, I wasn't strong enough to make a choice and Max made it for us. He wrote me a letter, and had someone else give it to me. In it he told me that he had fallen in love with me and that he had always loved me. But he just couldn't be around me anymore bc he felt like it would only make things harder. He said that he loved me, but he loved his brother too. And that he knew that his brother loved me. He said that he'd sarcrifice everything he's ever wanted so that we could move forward. It said a lot of other stuff, but I can't remember what else. But he must've known how I would react bc his last sentence said "Please don't make this harder than it already is."

I don't remember much after that, I think I blocked it out of my memories. I'm pretty sure I broke down and cried in the middle of class after reading it. I felt like my heart was literally breaking in two. I kept the letters we wrote back and forth to each other for a while, but I think I just chose to lose them. After that we pretty much avoided each other all together, and I'd only see him when I was with my boyfriend or by accident in the hall. I don't think he ever found out that Max knew, and I sure never told him about the letter he wrote me. I remember catching him watching me in the hallway or the cafeteria and our eyes would meet and then shift away. I waited until he showed up, just to watch him and to just see him and know that he's okay. The year after that, he dropped out of school and started drinking and smoking.

I'm still with my boyfriend (his brother), and it's been about 4 years since it happened. And not a day goes by where I don't think about him or I don't miss him. I heard he's with a girl 5 yrs younger than him, and from what I hear she's nothing like the girl he told me he wanted to be with. A few years ago, someone told me that it was my fault that he was the way he is now. That he started smoking and drinking to stop thinking about me. It's hard for me accept that bc he made the decision and he chose to stick to it. And now when I do see him on rare occasion, it's kind of filled with awkward silences. It breaks my heart at how distant we are from each other now. I hate that he's not a part of my life as he once was. I miss him so much, my heart hurts just thinking about it. It breaks my heart seeing him where he is now, seeing him so far from where he wanted to be and not being able to talk to him about it.

I guess love just wasn't enough to save us both. There are so many things wrong with this I don't know where to begin. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend with all my heart and to the very core of my being. But I miss my best friend.